"add" sense...

So there you go... I am now adding AdSense to my blog... Or, you can say that I will try to "add some sense" to it.
I promise (do I?) that I will write more and consequently spill out more about things that might still be inside or that have just come to the surface.
I will be honest - who will read this anyway???
And if someone does, they will probably think that I am a freak that likes to write about his own stuff. I am a freak - in the way that I do not accept to be like everybody else, like "society"...

"Society, you're a crazy breed, hope you're not lonely without me"

Unfinished untitled

How much do I interfere? Ok, maybe interfering is not the right way to put it...perhaps worrying, caring, asking, insist in making sure...I don't know...It is just too confusing now...
Maybe I shouldn't be doing this - writing these words. But then, do I keep it inside like all the rest? I wanted to be able to do things differently. I wanted to be able to know how to do things, what to say, when to say it...
If I'm as selfish as people have called me before in my life, shouldn't that mean that I shouldn't really care what way other people around me feel? Shouldn't that mean that, as a typical selfish person, I would be worried about my well being and not anyone else's? - as long as it doesn't have an impact on my well being...
But the truth this time is that I am really worried. "Is it a Qi Gong thing?" - poor girl actually thinks more about me than I deserve...no, really - it is not a Qi Gong thing - it is just things that I can feel, 'see' (in my own head, thoughts, etc...), sense or expect...I don't know...I had that feeling as I have many others in other different circumstances.
Am I always right? No, not always. Most times, though... I am afraid of being right this time... I'm afraid of asking, of opinionate on the matter, even to think about the situation...
I think that I don't want to think about it...but I do think about it - and much more...
We are raised in this society that tells us to worry about our family, our loved ones and our friends. When we grow older, we worry about our husband or wife and our sons and/or daughters... I'm stuck in this limbo of uncertainty about what to consider this person and consequently, how much do I worry about, how much do I express my worry, how much do I talk about it, how much do I say I care, how much do I demonstrate my worry? What is adequate for me that am nothing of the above mentioned, apart from a 'friend'?
By worrying, am I stepping too far? It shouldn't, because I am after all worried about a 'loved one' - a very, very much loved one!
But I feel bad about it. I feel like I am interfering with someone's life - someone that is not worrying about the same things...So why should I? Do I just leave it? Forget about it? Don't mention it again? Don't mention it anymore? Leave it? Hope for the best?
I'm worried. That's the main point...but I don't want to put more pressure on her to let me know about what is going on or about what has happened or could happen if...

(incomplete thoughts of a busy day that ended in the hospital...)

I want to help...

I don't feel well. There is a lot going on with me. I feel tired - as in exhausted of energy to keep me going for the day...
I know why, but I can't do anything about it. I would like to, but I can't. I don't know how to either...
I feel like this is the time when I could make a big difference and be of some assistance. All I can do is be around - that is not on a bad way, it is just that I can be around and if my help is needed, well then here I am. And I am glad to help.
I just feel that I can't do more...I am not enough to be of some help - I'm not experienced...I'm just a young person with not much experience in life.
I'm lucky (am I?) to have had bad things happening to me when I was younger so I know exactly what I DON'T want to do to other people and also what I DON'T want other people to do to me.
I've achieved a dream yesterday - and I'm proud of it - this is only the 3rd time that I have someone that I love nearby when I do something remarkable. And 2 of those times were within the last year...
How can I ever thank the fact that the person that I love was there - and was there to say and look so proud of me?
I thought I had found the answer to this question - and that was: I will be as great a human being, friend, lover, partner, companion, helper as that person is to me... But I have discovered that I can't get much of the "helper" being put in action... I don't know what to ask, when to ask, how to ask, what words to use, what gestures to make, what emotions to pass through...
I feel like a failure in so that I can't relieve that person of any of their heavy clouds at the moment... I can't get close...I feel like we are getting further away (as in a defensive mode of self-preservation so that you don't overload the other person with your problems because they have enough of their own to deal with...).
I wish nothing bad happens. I wish we can talk and help each other throughout this less clear journey along our path, I wish that we can live and be together forever...
"I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on, I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down..."

Eye to eye

"Looking deep in the eyes" - I'm not in full control of this language but where I come from, we have the same expression...

So, what do I do? Look deep in the eyes. What do I see? Luckily, I can see a reflection of me looking at the big green eyes... But that means more than just a pure reflex of me - it is there, deep inside...Isn't that where I was supposed to look in the first place??

I could be looking at this picture for hours...(as a matter of fact, it is probably close to the first hour now and as demonstrated by the amount of writing, I kind of go into this stage of "trance", my shoulders relax my heart beats slightly stronger - so much so that I can feel it in my chest - and I can hear my breath).

What has happened to me? What has changed? Why do I see what I see now? Why not before?

I think I might have found some path that might lead me to the answer - I think that my contact lenses were just to dirty! I couldn't see the world properly. I couldn't see what I can see now. I missed out on a lot. But during the month of August 2006 I cleaned my lenses. I started to see more and clearer! Then, it was too late to accept what I had turned into! My world was so different when I could see it clearer!!!

Then, as usual in me...I wanted more! So much so that I have decided to look deep in those green eyes to see only but a new me! A new possibility, a new Dao.

The contact lenses were still there but this time I could see without obstructions. I could see what I wanted - I could see what I was getting.

Then, as usual in me...(hang on...did I mention this already???) I wanted more (yes, sounds familiar - I think I've heard this before in my life a few thousand times...) Ok, I wanted more... And...what do I do? Get rid of the contact lenses all together! So that the dirt, the fog, the discomfort, the possibility of losing the characteristics that my eyesight had at the time...I didn't want to loose the quality I had.

So now I don't have anything obstructing my eyes. I can look at those green eyes without anything in between. There are no barriers, no obstacles, no adjustment needs to be made!

We can finally look eye to eye!

Fate, destiny...or faith?

Another morning - after a night of thinking (in my sleep, my light sleep...) and there are still not many answers to some of the terrifying questions that linger around my head...
Maybe I'll never get the answers or even better (why did the word 'better' come out 1st??) maybe I'll never get the RIGHT answers... Or maybe there is only one type of answer - THE answer!
Whatever it is, it's still not around...I'll keep trying.
I feel tired - maybe I can even say that I feel exhausted...I don't want to admit it mainly because there are people around me and everywhere that have much more serious problems in their hands and I don't want these lines to be an entry to the famous world competition "Poor me, I'm the most miserable person in the world" - mainly because the way I am, I would get in the competition TO WIN IT!!!
But I do feel a lot of strange this happening inside me - and there's just a bit too much at the moment...I'm afraid that because of this state of mind or phase that I'm going trough I will be (even) more prone to make a big mess of everything nice that has happened lately in my life.
I suppose this is a reminder - these lines will be the "I told you so" of the future if I manage to destroy my path...
The one thing that I will not accept is that it is my fate...I prefer to be the one in charge of my own fate - I'll make it my destiny to be in control of my life!
Oh, because remember: "he who forgets, will be destined to remember..."

Hope

In the beginning there was only me. My own mind, my only heart, my only dreams, my only thoughts...my only friend...
I wish I was another someone...Another person, a "normal" one...
But other people said it before that I am not as "miserable" as I pain myself. You know what? It was only last December that I realized that they were absolutely true! I am not as miserable as THEY made me feel...
Ah, what a relief! Finally I was free! Free from what other people wanted me to be and free to go on and to do what I was meant to - be THE REAL ME!
This is the beginning. Or the end. Or the start...
I hope that...I hope a lot of things these days, but the main one is that I can keep going. I know what love feels like and I know and feel what is like to be loved. I hope (see? I said I normally hope a lot of things these days..) that I can be as good as she says I am am as good to her as she makes me feel.
That is because 'I want to live, I want to love, but it's a long hard road out of hell'...